TRANSCRIPT

Jina Seer (00:00.288)

So this talk today isn't as much about love necessarily as it is about connection. And I think it's just that that is, you know, one facet of love. And I really used to think that the way I connected to people was like a problem. And in some ways,

there were problematic behaviors for sure. But when I look back on the arc of my life, just like growing up and now at the age of 45, I can see that the way I used to connect in relationships, if I kind of boil it down to what was the thing that gave me the most friction, it was that I used to think,

I used to think of it as like, in the moment it was like, I just feel like I always care too much. Like I'm giving too much, too much time, whatever. And really what that was was like, just the energetic, there wasn't like the reciprocity there. Like I was giving too much, too much in relation to like what I was personally getting out of the relationship. And that's just an incongruence in...

I think both sides of the relationship. It's not like an indicator that someone's right and someone's wrong. But when I look back on that and I see that, I see that when I feel connected to someone, whether it's romantically or platonically or creatively, my internal world subtly shifts. And it's like imperceptible in that moment. And it's honestly the thing that I find most terrifying about love.

But essentially it's like my thoughts, my attention just like reorganizes. My priorities just subtly move around. And there's always like good reason. It never looks like I'm outwardly abandoning myself. know, there always is a good reason why I'm having these thoughts and sometimes they're even joyful. But essentially all of that, I just kind of stop.

Jina Seer (02:26.283)

also checking in with myself. It's not only that my attention and thoughts kind of start to reorganize around a person or a situation, especially if it's like a romantic person or situation, but in that reorganization of like where my attention is, it's like I'm immediately just like trading the time where I check in with myself to.

putting into that connection. And yeah, so I wanna talk a little bit about that. I wanna talk about this idea of connection and like what happens inside as connection deepens. And I've been on such a journey with this. I feel in a really good spot with it, but I definitely have, you know, a frontier to grow on, I guess.

But I wanted to bring it up because I think that it doesn't matter if your relationships are overall good or they're bad and you should leave. I think it's pretty common for a certain type of person to over give in these situations. And when I say over give, mean, over give in relation to what you're getting out of it. Over give in relation to.

like how we should be treating or checking in with ourselves. And I wanna talk about it because it's something that I'm aware enough now to see that when I'm in, say, a romantic connection, especially a new one, like when the infatuation is high, like I'm not even aware of these things that I'm doing, this kind of reorientation toward the other person. And...

as time goes on and as I learn and just as I grow in general, like expanding my awareness and just kind of evolving into more wisdom, I now can see it. And it's honestly like one of the reasons why I've never been happier to be single. It's like I see how much my own thoughts kind of torment me when I'm in a romantic connection, for example. And even though the romantic connection is probably the most like

Jina Seer (04:48.788)

intense version of connection in terms of that scale of kind of feeling like I'm reorienting myself, I'm kind of losing myself a little bit. Even though it's way more, I can see it so clearly in my romantic connections, it's like how I do things. Like there is flavors of that in how I go about relationships in general.

It doesn't matter if it's like romantic or not. It doesn't matter if it's like totally friends or not. It could be work. It could be something else. Anyway, I used to always look at this as like a flaw of mine, which is fine because it got me to where I'm at right now, like with my awareness and my knowledge of it. But really, in the last few months, I've started to see that it isn't a flaw. It's just like a state that I slip into.

And I've started to even refer to love as like an altered state of consciousness where I'm like, I have to see it that way. Like I have to take it that seriously in order for me to kind of like orient my way through it in a way where I can try to stay connected to myself. And when I look at it like that, it feels so much better because

I feel like I've been fighting that and trying to fix that for so long that now I can be like, well, I've been trying to fight it and fix it for so long that I have created some peace around it. I've really cleaned up my side of the street about it. And I can actually just see that it's this state of mind that I slip into and I kind of forget priorities and I...

there's always a good reason to kind of reorient myself every day toward this other person. And pretty soon I wake up feeling like I'm over giving and then I feel resentful or I get paranoid like, my gosh, I'm depleted. don't know. Now I don't know how to ask for what I want or whatever. But I started to see that like, okay, I think this is one of those things in my life that I'm never gonna fix.

Jina Seer (07:08.207)

for a few reasons I feel that way. I mean, I would love to, but if I feel realistically like what is my truth about it right now, I see that. And so with something like that where I feel like, don't know if I'll ever be able to fix this. Like, I feel like I am just someone who overgives. And in the last few months,

I've really started to not see it as a flaw, like I said, and just see it as a state of being that I slip into. And I've gotten to the point where I've made such peace with it because I look at it like romantic love to me is similar to I don't ever drink. So it's similar to me having like two shots of tequila, like.

I better just believe I will be under the influence whether I feel like it or not. Like if I have done this thing, then I will be influenced. And that has really served me and it's actually completely kind of changed the way I go about my romantic life. And instead of seeing myself as the problem, I've really started to just think, what is there a type of person that like

exaggerates that, right? Because my connection to my friendship with my ex-husband, it's one of the best relationships in my life. And I think that's because it's a secure attachment. He's individuated, pretty confident, pretty healthy, emotionally open, and willing to do the labor person, adult. And

For me, I can over give and it's even more important than for me to surround myself with people who are not gonna take advantage of that. Like I see what this is. This isn't just like me having a problem that I need to fix. It's like people, certain people with certain behaviors trigger this over giving and this hyper vigilance within me to

Jina Seer (09:24.781)

to a level that's detrimental to me. And in the right connection, and this is true romantically or not, in the right connection for me, that I will have enough peace and presence of mind, like my nervous system will be calm enough where I notice when I'm over giving. And...

If I over give, it's not so depleting immediately because I am actually getting something in return, love, nourishment, know, joy, connection, whatever that is that I'm getting from that other person. So shifting that perception around it, instead of seeing, is it me as like the flaw in that, something I have to fix, instead just being like, this is a state that I slip into. And there's, you know, you can look up

limerence and anxious avoidant attachment styles. And you can look up, you know, growing up in kind of a violent home and you can see why someone like me might have that reaction. Or you can maybe see why someone like you might default to over giving. And yeah, I think it's important for us to like clean up our side of the street and be mindful of it, but also know that like some of it is just kind of like there.

And it's just a part of being human, whether it's a part of being a human with your Earth suit or a human in general. I think when we can stop fighting something every once in a while and just be with it and kind of accept like, okay, this is the way it is. How am I going to move forward knowing this information and looking at something from a different angle, you know, instead of seeing myself as the problem in that.

to instead see behaviors as things I would like to change and when I can't seem to change them, accepting them on some level so I can work through them when they take me over. And that has really been a peaceful, peaceful shift. And I think in that too is when I pay attention to myself on that level.

Jina Seer (11:44.877)

There's a lot less questioning about.

Am I doing this relationship right or not? Did I offend that person or not? And that kind of self-doubt questioning is just something I want a lot less of. And that feels a lot good. That feels way better to kind of have a frame of mind where I'm still aware of it. I'm still working to feel better through it. But I don't have to like beat myself up about it.

Another thing about hypnosis is all the work we do in the subconscious mind, I've really started to see and honestly, I really believe we are so much more influenced than we think. And so much of our behaviors and our decisions, even if we're consciously making that decision, the influences, the beliefs, the perspectives, the hopes, the dreams, what you think is capable for you or someone like you.

your history, all of that stuff influences what decision you make in that moment. And so we are never totally free of influence. Because I have like a regular writing practice and a meditation practice and I'm just a pretty mindful person and essentially my life is set up to be that way. So maybe a little bit more than normal. But when I...

have those practices in place, that also helps me trust myself and helps me feel inner peace because then I can know, if I am in a new connection with someone and the emotion is high, like whether it's a connection through work and I'm like nervous to work with someone or a romantic connection or whatever, when the emotions like the...

Jina Seer (13:47.299)

more heightened the emotion around it for me, the more likely I am to kind of slip into this altered state of like over giving. And I don't see it in the moment, but when I have time to process my life and reflect and just let my mind wander, there are patterns that I know come in. And number one, if I'm feeling heightened emotions about a connection,

that's a red flag to me, not a red flag. That's like, hey, Gina, pay attention. Like we operate differently in these highly emotional connections. And so that there is just like, if I'm in a connection like that, number one, I'll feel it. It's like, takes my thoughts. So when I'm in meditation, I will notice what I'm thinking about. And then,

I'm able to know that I'm in it. So I can kind of reflect on my behavior and conversations. I'm naturally oriented to reflect and really ruminate on these things anyway. So that's how I use that energy. It's like, okay, if we are sitting down and we're in meditation and we're talking about it and actively thinking about it, then let's reminisce, like what's going on. And if I'm like hypercritical of myself, if I'm over explaining,

If I'm worried about what someone else might be thinking of me, I know, like, I'm in that altered state. I'm in that altered state. And oftentimes, lately, when I'm in that altered state, it's also been, and I don't know if it's always true, I'm not necessarily saying this is the case, but upon reflection, those are always not good connections for me.

Ultimately, the more dissociated I'm feeling, the more over explaining, the more over giving I'm feeling, I'm noticing I'm not the problem. This connection is not good for me. It's like triggering me into behaviors that deep inside my body knows like we don't want to be here. And that's tough. Like relationships are tough just because

Jina Seer (16:03.565)

You know, they can be deep, they can be shallow. You can turn them on, you can turn them off on some level, you know, you can break up with people. But life is not black and white. It's not all that easy. It's not all or nothing. It's not a yes or no. And so as we go through different connections and as the connections in our life ebb and flow with life and grow and evolve as we do in life, I think it's a great practice or at least

I'm taking it for myself to just have time in my schedule to reflect on my thoughts, on my emotions so I can see earlier, like, wow, this connection is actually really dysregulating my nervous system and my thoughts are always oriented toward this person, why? And I think that'll be, you know, that's such a, I think.

That is my process right now. I think I will evolve beyond that at some point, but goddamn, it feels good to have that in place and to be working with myself instead of against myself, which to be in flow with myself instead of fighting myself obviously makes me feel like I love myself more. And...

to just see it as pattern recognition and not like, something's wrong with me and I need to fix this. And instead being like, yeah, I don't wanna be triggered by anyone like that for any reason and I'll work on that. But in the meantime, I know exactly how to keep myself safe. So I feel good about that. feels really, it feels really, really good. And I have to focus on that because honestly, if I don't focus on how

good that makes me feel and how peaceful I am in my relationships right now. I could swallow myself whole with the grief, honestly, of seeing how much energy I have spent over the years nurturing, pouring into, over giving to relationships that never were for me.

Jina Seer (18:25.619)

And sometimes I go there and I touch that grief and it's just, you know, sometimes you can't not go there. And so I let that move through me when it does. But I have to orient myself toward the present, toward the evolution and being like, at least it's not like that right now.

Okay, let me see, look at my notes quick. I just wanna make sure I'm, so okay, so something that I just wanna say is for me, overgiving isn't generosity. So I think sometimes there's a time and a place to like be the person in the relationship who's giving more. There can be a million reasons why we do that.

But for me, when I say overgiving, like my overgiving, it's...

I don't wanna say it's a manipulation because that to me is not how it feels coming from me. But my overgiving, here's what I'll say. It's like an attempt to stabilize the connection. That's how I see it. So for me, overgiving is Gina being like, this connection is not solid. I need to drive this relationship.

put more effort into communication, fix myself to fit their mold, you know, that kind of overgiving. So I just wanna be clear on that. And I think there's a time and a place for overgiving even. And in generosity, I even have the capacity to do that. But in this case, it feels different to me. It feels draining, it feels frantic because I'm trying to like stabilize that connection.

Jina Seer (20:21.623)

And I'm trying to stabilize that connection because there's a part of me and my subtle mind in my intuition that knows. And actually, as I say that, that hasn't happened in a minute, but I've also been going about things very slowly and intentionally. But I used to not, I used to just be on the high of it, because here's the thing, you guys, when I am over giving, when I am in that state of like,

in a, intense romantic connection or heightened emotional connection in general. It could even be like a creative thing or a work thing or a friendship thing. When I'm in that space, say, with that person, engaged with that person, and I am over giving, most of the time in that moment, it feels like a high, which is so weird to me.

But when I started observing it mindfully, like what is going on in my brain? What am I experiencing in this connection that makes me feel so scattered? I'm just like, don't have access to part of my brain. So not only am I just kind of like, it's a blind spot, but it's a blind spot that feels really good. But now I've started to see this aftermath.

that I've been kind of going through the wreckage of, like, why do I feel this way, blah, blah. It's like, because it's like a subconscious blind spot that I've uncovered in a couple ways via hypnosis. But also in that moment, it feels like a high. It feels like I'm winning a game. It feels like this game is taking everything I know and I am winning.

you know, but barely, just barely winning. So it's very, yeah, it just takes my awareness. It takes my consciousness and completely re-orients it. And so with that and my daily mindfulness practices and just kind of my lifestyle, I do a lot of kind of processing my life. And in that, I feel like, okay.

Jina Seer (22:39.251)

actually I used to see it like I was bad at relationships, that like relationships or connection was my problem, like when I first kind of started out. So it was like, not only did I see myself as the problem, but I also saw like just connections in general as the problem. And really what it is, is it's like, I went from kind of feeling like, how do I feel less connected?

You know, I feel like I lose myself in these connections. And at the time when I was having that realization, a lot of relationships were ending for me. And so at the time it was like, okay, I'm the problem and how do I feel less connected to people? Cause I'm the problem and I can't make this work. And now I see it as like, I just have to stay located in myself. Just being me.

in connection. And so that's part of it. And the truth is, like parts of our life, like relationships or connections, just kind of amplify a lot of times, it seems like in my life, it just kind of amplifies what I already have going on. So one way, one word I could use to describe everything I've talked about here is like, every time I used to feel intention or like emotional connection to someone,

I would abandon myself, essentially. And sometimes these are heightened emotional connections with people just because of the type of relationship it is. We don't even have to feel a certain way about this person. But I, in those situations, would always abandon myself.

And that's what all of that is. And so it's like, I just have to stay connected to myself. Okay, well, I'm gonna build in activities in my life where I'm connected to myself every single day. And doing that for years now, it changed my life, but it also created a life that feels really good. And now I start to notice the things in life that used to make me feel anxious or stress me out.

Jina Seer (24:57.837)

was literally because it would be like from the time I woke up to the time I went to bed, someone was telling me what I needed to think. You whether it was like at work or I'm doing something with someone else and they're kind of leading the charge, of course, as an over giver. It just felt like I didn't have any fucking time to myself, just to relax and reflect on life and chill out and.

And I didn't want like collapsing on the couch every night to be that either. So this was like, how can I get these feel more connected to myself and understand myself? And I'm just the type of person where I believe we're all on a journey to like evolve and grow. I believe our planet would be a better place if most people believe that and practice those things. But all I can control is me. And so.

Those have been my beliefs for 20 years and that's where I'm going and my life just feels better. Every time I understand something more about myself, every time I'm able to illuminate a blind spot, every time I'm able to transform and change. Okay, and if you're still here, I would love to know, when you feel connected to someone, like what changes inside of you? Do you notice?

Any similarities to what I experience? Is your experience totally different? I would love to know. Let's discuss in the comment thread below this episode on Patreon. Okay, everyone, that is our episode for today. Thanks so much for being here with me all the way to the end. Join me on Patreon. Otherwise, I will see you next week.